I used to be able to "eat normally", but I hardly remember what that's like. My usual mode of operations is to start restricting stringently, with only the occasional binge. And then one day there's a binge that I don't bounce back from, and it starts a vicious cycle. For a few days, I binge. I'm miserable. And then, slowly, my body gets used to the idea that it will get fed "enough". Even though I'm unhappy, I'll stop bouncing between 300 and 3,000-calorie days, and my weight will stabilize. Even though I'm not eating normal foods at normal times, I'll be getting a "normal" number of calories. And then something will act as a mini-trigger-- a bad fight with a friend, a break-up, family tension, school stress-- and I'll start restricting again.
At least, that's what I've been doing for the past three years. For the past few days, I've had a binge mentality-- "Obviously, I can't restrict, so I'll just... eat," I hate having that attitude, but that's where my head has been. Fortunately, that's not where my appetite has been. Even allowing myself to eat whatever, whenever, I didn't eat until four o'clock this afternoon. I had a spoonful of peanut butter (binge food, but normal person amount) and failed to get down an entire smoothie.
I've never been at such a low weight without actively restricting. I'm not complaining. But this is why I feel disordered: most people would go, "Well, I'm losing weight," and be satisfied with that. I'm concerned that this is just a fluke. I'm very, very concerned that I'm not controlling anything.
Starting tomorrow, I have a plan: 300 calories a day, and only vegan stuff.
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2 comments:
I feel so much for you reading this post. The "Obviously I can't restrict" attitude is so hard to get past. Thanks for the comment on my blog; it means so much to get feedback. As for your stats fears, I'm sure you've nothing to worry about compared to me. I'm awful in comparison to everyone else I've seen, but I guess that's why I'm here. We all have a goal. If you want to share for encouragement let me know. All the best x
I agree so much with both you, and Pokerface. I'm just now getting over that annoyingly logic side of my brain. Stats are stats, everyone is different but we all just have a goal. We have the same drive, the numbers... you can't compare.
<3
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