Well

I ran today, burning approximately 450 calories-- good. The knowledge that food makes you fat, and that fat is terrifying--and thus, food is equally terrifying-- is finally beginning to impact my actions. I still feel out of control, even if I had maybe 500 calories today (and probably quite a bit shy of that).

I'll probably be fine (less than 300 calories a day with little effort) in a few days... when all the girlfriend / family / other drama stops rearing its ugly head, and I get ahold of something that eradicates headaches. I hate headaches.

The Past Couple Days...

Weren't fun. I'm cloudy-headed, which usually means PMS. I've had a migraine. I sort of don't know what to do, but I was under 500 on Friday, and can be today if I want.

For the Fourth of July, I ended up going to one of my friends' family / friend picnic-type things. Her college-aged sister brought quite a few of her friends, all of whom were a lot bigger than I am. For whatever reason, this made me feel less guilty about eating more than normal. Still not quite bingeing.

The current plan is to stay under 300 for the rest of the week, and weigh in next Sunday.

The No-Plan Plan

I used to be able to "eat normally", but I hardly remember what that's like. My usual mode of operations is to start restricting stringently, with only the occasional binge. And then one day there's a binge that I don't bounce back from, and it starts a vicious cycle. For a few days, I binge. I'm miserable. And then, slowly, my body gets used to the idea that it will get fed "enough". Even though I'm unhappy, I'll stop bouncing between 300 and 3,000-calorie days, and my weight will stabilize. Even though I'm not eating normal foods at normal times, I'll be getting a "normal" number of calories. And then something will act as a mini-trigger-- a bad fight with a friend, a break-up, family tension, school stress-- and I'll start restricting again.

At least, that's what I've been doing for the past three years. For the past few days, I've had a binge mentality-- "Obviously, I can't restrict, so I'll just... eat," I hate having that attitude, but that's where my head has been. Fortunately, that's not where my appetite has been. Even allowing myself to eat whatever, whenever, I didn't eat until four o'clock this afternoon. I had a spoonful of peanut butter (binge food, but normal person amount) and failed to get down an entire smoothie.

I've never been at such a low weight without actively restricting. I'm not complaining. But this is why I feel disordered: most people would go, "Well, I'm losing weight," and be satisfied with that. I'm concerned that this is just a fluke. I'm very, very concerned that I'm not controlling anything.

Starting tomorrow, I have a plan: 300 calories a day, and only vegan stuff.