I ran today, burning approximately 450 calories-- good. The knowledge that food makes you fat, and that fat is terrifying--and thus, food is equally terrifying-- is finally beginning to impact my actions. I still feel out of control, even if I had maybe 500 calories today (and probably quite a bit shy of that).
I'll probably be fine (less than 300 calories a day with little effort) in a few days... when all the girlfriend / family / other drama stops rearing its ugly head, and I get ahold of something that eradicates headaches. I hate headaches.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Past Couple Days...
Weren't fun. I'm cloudy-headed, which usually means PMS. I've had a migraine. I sort of don't know what to do, but I was under 500 on Friday, and can be today if I want.
For the Fourth of July, I ended up going to one of my friends' family / friend picnic-type things. Her college-aged sister brought quite a few of her friends, all of whom were a lot bigger than I am. For whatever reason, this made me feel less guilty about eating more than normal. Still not quite bingeing.
The current plan is to stay under 300 for the rest of the week, and weigh in next Sunday.
For the Fourth of July, I ended up going to one of my friends' family / friend picnic-type things. Her college-aged sister brought quite a few of her friends, all of whom were a lot bigger than I am. For whatever reason, this made me feel less guilty about eating more than normal. Still not quite bingeing.
The current plan is to stay under 300 for the rest of the week, and weigh in next Sunday.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The No-Plan Plan
I used to be able to "eat normally", but I hardly remember what that's like. My usual mode of operations is to start restricting stringently, with only the occasional binge. And then one day there's a binge that I don't bounce back from, and it starts a vicious cycle. For a few days, I binge. I'm miserable. And then, slowly, my body gets used to the idea that it will get fed "enough". Even though I'm unhappy, I'll stop bouncing between 300 and 3,000-calorie days, and my weight will stabilize. Even though I'm not eating normal foods at normal times, I'll be getting a "normal" number of calories. And then something will act as a mini-trigger-- a bad fight with a friend, a break-up, family tension, school stress-- and I'll start restricting again.
At least, that's what I've been doing for the past three years. For the past few days, I've had a binge mentality-- "Obviously, I can't restrict, so I'll just... eat," I hate having that attitude, but that's where my head has been. Fortunately, that's not where my appetite has been. Even allowing myself to eat whatever, whenever, I didn't eat until four o'clock this afternoon. I had a spoonful of peanut butter (binge food, but normal person amount) and failed to get down an entire smoothie.
I've never been at such a low weight without actively restricting. I'm not complaining. But this is why I feel disordered: most people would go, "Well, I'm losing weight," and be satisfied with that. I'm concerned that this is just a fluke. I'm very, very concerned that I'm not controlling anything.
Starting tomorrow, I have a plan: 300 calories a day, and only vegan stuff.
At least, that's what I've been doing for the past three years. For the past few days, I've had a binge mentality-- "Obviously, I can't restrict, so I'll just... eat," I hate having that attitude, but that's where my head has been. Fortunately, that's not where my appetite has been. Even allowing myself to eat whatever, whenever, I didn't eat until four o'clock this afternoon. I had a spoonful of peanut butter (binge food, but normal person amount) and failed to get down an entire smoothie.
I've never been at such a low weight without actively restricting. I'm not complaining. But this is why I feel disordered: most people would go, "Well, I'm losing weight," and be satisfied with that. I'm concerned that this is just a fluke. I'm very, very concerned that I'm not controlling anything.
Starting tomorrow, I have a plan: 300 calories a day, and only vegan stuff.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Kombucha Rant
My mom brought home green tea a few days ago. It's "kombucha green tea", but it bears no resemblance to the kombucha I know-- the vaguely fizzy, yeast-y smelling stuff that comes in glass bottles and tastes like something that might burn your insides. It's fermented, and theoretically supports appetite control and weight loss, even if it does have sixty calories a bottle.
My mom's version are teabags. They taste nothing like green tea or my version of kombucha, but rather like plum. I'm not sure how it can be fermented. Nonetheless, it's caffeinated green tea (metabolism booster) that doesn't have the aquarium water taste of green tea... and it doesn't have any calories. I'm not complaining, just confused.
Today I've Had...
My mom's version are teabags. They taste nothing like green tea or my version of kombucha, but rather like plum. I'm not sure how it can be fermented. Nonetheless, it's caffeinated green tea (metabolism booster) that doesn't have the aquarium water taste of green tea... and it doesn't have any calories. I'm not complaining, just confused.
Today I've Had...
- raspberries
- fat-free, plain Greek yogurt
- biscotti
- soup
Hi, I'm Clem...
... And I have food issues. Sometimes, my girlfriend slurs the two and calls them "fissues". This makes them sound cuter and / or fishier, but they're really not all that cute.
When I was twelve, my mom married my step-dad. When I was thirteen, my half-sister was born. When I was fourteen, my step-dad died in a car accident. I wasn't terribly upset; I didn't know him well, and what I did know about him, I didn't like. He hadn't been part of our family for very long. My initial reaction wasn't sadness or anger or even shock, but dread: "Oh, shit. This is going to wreak havoc on everyone,"
And it did, particularly my mom. I'm responsible, maternal, kind of a control freak. And sometimes, this is okay. But when your mom is breaking down on your shoulder, or disappearing into her room after forgetting to feed the baby dinner, or dazed and confused while on Valium... control no longer seems glamourous.
And because I realized it was against my nature to surrender control completely, I started looking for other things to control instead. Food was easy.
Sometimes I feel like a normal teenage girl, and while I never eat normally-- I'm either restricting, or haphazardly eating things I wouldn't normally allow myself in quantities that don't quite qualify as a "binge"-- there are days when I'm not concerned with calories or fat grams.
I don't like these days. They make me feel insane and unworthy and unhappy. I'm not sure if it's an eating disorder, or just an uncommon reaction to life.
When I was twelve, my mom married my step-dad. When I was thirteen, my half-sister was born. When I was fourteen, my step-dad died in a car accident. I wasn't terribly upset; I didn't know him well, and what I did know about him, I didn't like. He hadn't been part of our family for very long. My initial reaction wasn't sadness or anger or even shock, but dread: "Oh, shit. This is going to wreak havoc on everyone,"
And it did, particularly my mom. I'm responsible, maternal, kind of a control freak. And sometimes, this is okay. But when your mom is breaking down on your shoulder, or disappearing into her room after forgetting to feed the baby dinner, or dazed and confused while on Valium... control no longer seems glamourous.
And because I realized it was against my nature to surrender control completely, I started looking for other things to control instead. Food was easy.
Sometimes I feel like a normal teenage girl, and while I never eat normally-- I'm either restricting, or haphazardly eating things I wouldn't normally allow myself in quantities that don't quite qualify as a "binge"-- there are days when I'm not concerned with calories or fat grams.
I don't like these days. They make me feel insane and unworthy and unhappy. I'm not sure if it's an eating disorder, or just an uncommon reaction to life.
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